It still hits me sometimes. She’s gone.
Never coming back, just gone.
And I can’t handle it.
Not without her.
Yesterday, in honor of her birthday I played Jones I Got It. It was her favorite part of the fair every single year. I realized that after all of these years, spending about thirty bucks every time we went to a far, I only liked it because she was there. It was only fun when Harriett got excited when she almost had five in a row. She would turn to me every time we lost and say, “One more, Carm!” Then she would kiss the little rubber ball and throw it in. She was silly like that.
For the past few months, I’ve been seeing things like sewing machine lamps and thinking, “Harriett would LOVE that for her birthday.” Then I remember that there’s no way to get her gifts to her this year. There’s no way to celebrate with her. It’s over.
One time, she came up to my house for no reason at all. Just kinda showed up, but I appreciated the company. It was one of those nights where I was alone, yet again. We took a walk down by the lake. It was freezing because it was late November and there was snow on the ground. While we were walking, we saw something down on the dock. We went down to go see what it was and it seriously looked like a metal penis. It was actually a broken, rusted, boat prop but we didn’t care. We were amazed at this stellar find, so we took it home. Yes, we took it home because we were awesome like that.
She would shop for me, ALL THE TIME. I wish I had appreciated shopping with her when I could, because now I can’t. I can’t go to the mall with my sister and buy random crap we don’t need. I miss it.
She was lazy, and beautiful, and ditsy, and ugh. I can’t describe her, because it’s impossible. You would have to know her. She’s impossible to duplicate and I can’t stand not having my four foot eleven, frizzy haired, goofball of a sister in my life.
“You know, Carm?”
“That’s my opinion! What’s yours?”
“I don’t know about this basket ball crap!” “The Reds are a baseball team.” “-.-“
You don’t realize how important it is that I WILL NEVER HEAR THESE PHRASES AGAIN! I never realized how precious they were.
Anymore, it’s the little things tat set me off into a tailspin and make me sob uncontrollably.
A sewing machine,
An 18 inch doll,
A Build-A-Bear rabbit,
A Christmas song.
God, why does the most important person in my life have to be taken away?
I don’t know, but sometimes I think that if she wasn’t so amazing then maybe God wouldn’t have taken her away.
But, I would have rather spent sixteen short years with a big sister as love-able as her than sixty with one that was run-of-the-mill.
Hold onto what you’ve got. Treasure your siblings. Don’t let anything come between you. Life is too short.
I miss you Sissy. I hope they’re singing Happy Birthday in Heaven.